InFacing the Giants, Faith, Feelings, Go to the Mattresses, God, Health & Healing, Love, Prayer

A Whole Heap

When the devil dumps a whole heap of a mess in your lap,

you need a whole heap of faith to help ya untangle it.

Otherwise, I’m not real sure how one gets through it. As most of you know I’ve personally been going through some things over the last year. My diagnosis reads: Anxiety disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. I’ve had a difficult time admitting that I am struggling with depression. Anxiety has always been there and for seventeen years I managed it, perhaps poorly at times, but I did it.

Then came the day that I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m blaming the depression for that, but truthfully I don’t know if that’s the cause. I think…perhaps I just got tired. I’m not even sure how any of this happened. I don’t feel like I have any reason to be depressed, so why am I in a fight with this particular illness! I want to scream. I want to cry. I want an explanation. I want to sleep. I want to be left alone. I want it to just go away! I want my life back. I feel like someone took over and is calling all the shots here and it’s not fair. This is my body, my mind, my life – ya know?

I was in the process of coming to terms with this. I started writing again. Then I went home to see Momma. I’d purchased a girls weekend for us for her birthday back in February. The conference wasn’t until October, so we had to wait to celebrate. I thought I should fly home on the 9th, because that is one of the hardest days of the year for Momma. That’s the day Grandpa got his angel wings.

I arrived at the Springfield Airport a few minutes before six that evening. Tim picked me up as Momma was with Halen at the ranch for her horseback riding lessons. By they time we got home, they were home too. While cooking dinner, Momma turned to Tim and I and said she needed to discuss something with us. She had been to see Dr. Kim that day. Unknown to many people, Momma has also been going through some things. She’s been sick more often than not. She’s had really weird illnesses too, not the simple everybody gets this type of stuff either.

 

Six years ago she was diagnosed with a hiatal hernia. Most people have those. Most people get those. Most people don’t even realize they have it, but Momma, well she had to take it one step further or maybe ten. Momma now has a paraesophageal hiatal hernia. To put this in layman’s terms, her stomach is no longer where it ought to be. It is sitting in her chest, her thoracic cavity and the lower lobes of her lungs.

When she first started getting sick we thought it was her heart, she had every symptom of a heart attack, but all her cardiac work came back normal. They said it was stress and Momma continued to decline and now she needs a major surgery to put her stomach back where it belongs. Dr. Kim wants her to go to St. Louis to the Barnes to have it done. On the 29th, she meets with a surgeon and we begin the process forward.

I believe Momma had just come to peace with this when Cayenne called. She called me first. She didn’t really wanna call Momma and add anything to her plate, but she desperately needed to hear Momma’s voice. Cayenne had been having some testing done to see if there was a problem as to why she wasn’t getting pregnant. I received the call early Wednesday morning and that damn devil dumped a whole heap of hurt on my baby sister. She was crying hysterically and trying to tell me what happened, what she learned…

She’s heartbroken. She’s shattered. I never knew how badly she wanted to be a Mom until I heard her cries that morning.

It was gut wrenching.

She’d been pinning things on Pinterest like:

  • Things you need for a baby
  • Pregnancy information
  • Baby girl stuff
  • Baby boy stuff
  • Baby rooms

And she’s been dreaming of putting a crib together, waking up for two a.m. feedings and would the baby have blonde hair or brown. Would he or she be blessed with her eyes, would her baby be cute? Would she swell up or glow? Would she have morning sickness or be one of the lucky ones? What weird things would she crave…

Unknown to many she even had names picked out. Rowan Paul for a boy – Paul after our Grandpa. Momma’s daddy. Elliana Renea, after a little girl she once cared for and myself. She told me earlier,

We may not have always gotten along, but I have never had a bad thought about you. I have always looked up to you. You might be my older sister and half like a mom, but you’re even more than that. I’ve always thought very highly of you and I have always admired how you handle … well … everything and how strong you are. Man, I wish I could have that strength. I wanted my daughter named after the strongest, wisest and the most bossy girl I know… you.

That girl got all up in my feelings telling me things like that! My heart hurts so much for her as the news is that … that little boy or that little girl she’s been dreaming of … will not be. One of her tubes appears to be missing and the other is completely blocked. They’re going to have to remove it.

Something I do believe most everyone who knows me is fully aware of and many have even experienced is how well I handle it when someone or something starts screwing with my family. I don’t take too kindly to it – at ALL.

Call me a Momma Bear, call me a Mother Hen – I DON’T CARE! Messing with my family is off limits. I will go to the mattresses for them EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!

And ya know what? I’ve about had it! I’m mad. I’m mad that I’m dealing with something I can’t control. I’m mad that my Momma has to go through this scary painful journey. I’m mad that Cayenne is hurting. And ya know, Holly has her own set of illnesses and I’m sure Jeff has a heap of something for me to be be mad about too. I am sick to death of that devil creeping up in here where he is NOT WELCOME!

This is MY family and he needs to back off!

So, in the words of Tom Hanks as Joe Fox in You’ve Got Mail, “Go to the Mattresses“.

How does one fight the devil? With the word of God. 

Dear Devil,

This is your eviction notice. You have wreaked enough havoc and chaos upon my family. And I happen to serve a GOOD, GOOD GOD and I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that FAITH can move mountains. So you best be steppin’.

 

Dear Friends,

PRAY. Pray for my family. That devil ain’t gonna like what we’re about to do. Pray for our endurance and strength. Pray for healing and recovery. Pray for finances. Pray to ease the sense of being overwhelmed. Just pray, please. As we go forward I will be documenting this journey, per Momma’s request. It will be real and raw and I won’t spend a lot of time editing or making it pretty, because I ain’t got time for that nonsense. So please, be kind. Please don’t bring hate or negativity to our already heavy plates. Before you add your thoughts or opinions please stop and ask yourself,

Is it helpful? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

I know, we will all appreciate that and I can’t thank you enough for your friendship, love and support. If you feel led to leave your prayer for my family in the comments, I will pray each prayer over them.

 

Dear Family,

BUCKLE UP! It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, cause you know that nasty old devil isn’t gonna take to kindly to me calling him out or us slapping him upside the head with the word of God. It may even feel like the death crawl from time to time, but we need to give God our best and let him do the rest. So don’t you quit on me, you keep moving, you keep driving until you’ve got nothing left, even when it hurts! And I promise I won’t quit on you.

Let’s align our hearts with the word of God and build that stonewall. Dig in and get comfortable cause when we look up from this fight, it’s gonna be an unbelievable sight.

For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them. (Matthew 18:20)

With God all things are possible.

Matthew 19:26

Love,

Tonya

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