…but it doesn’t mean they’ve failed. You haven’t failed. I haven’t failed.
Set backs are not meant to make you fail, nor do they mean you are incapable of accomplishments or success. Nor are you lacking in worth. Not you. Not I. We may have to fight a little harder but in time we will get back up; stronger. Stronger so that we have the strength to overcome the life’s next hurdle. Life is full of them. Sadly, we can’t avoid them. And sometimes it feels as if they’ve slammed into us with the full weight of the world.
It takes time to recover from a hit like that. Sometimes you don’t even know where it came from, only that it knocked you down. It takes time to reevaluate goals, dreams and self. Time. We need time. Time to untangle life’s latest mess. We may have fell down yesterday and maybe we didn’t get up today. But guess what? That is completely okay.
Breathe. Regroup. Refocus and when you and you alone are ready – try again. Don’t allow yourself to be poked, prodded, or pushed into rushing when your soul is dry and crying out for rest. Falling into that pressure will not build the strength you need. Instead it will chip away at every remaining ounce until you are completely empty and with nothing left to give. You simply exist. For one can not pour from an empty cup. I’m living proof of that.
I’ve spent the majority of 2019 coloring and at Doctor appointments. It seems to bother my family that I sit up here in my office watching whatever interests me on T.V. and coloring. The truth is I’ve enjoyed it, but I haven’t done much else. Somedays my biggest accomplishment is that I did the dishes or took a shower.
These two little things, coloring and watching T.V., do not require me to do any further thinking then, “What am I going to watch and what color should this be?” Simple. No Stress. No hanging out inside my head where for the better part of the year has felt completely crazy. FACT: I’m not crazy. Doctor told me so.
I question, how is this any different from them sitting downstairs watching T.V., reading or playing video games? They enjoy that and it doesn’t bother me. I’ve come to believe that since they know what I’m battling they may think it’s not helping. That my hiding out is making it worse. However, if that were true, I don’t believe my fingers would now be flying across this keyboard. It may have taken me nearly an entire year to get here, but I am here, nonetheless.
Little flickers of life have begun to emerge again. Little thoughts of stories unfolding. Little whispers from God letting me know He’s still here. That I can count on Him to get me through this too. He’s got this. He’s fighting for me. Every. Single. Day.
All I have to do is lean in and hold tightly to my Faith and accept the Grace He continually offers me Every. Single. Time. I fall.
Recently I purchased, My Brilliant Writing Planner, by Susan May Warren. I bought it last year too, sadly, it went to waste. I was so excited about it and then it fell by the wayside, along with many other things in my life. I had great plans and intentions for 2019, but something happened and to put it mildly I fell apart. I stopped writing.
I knew something was wrong, really wrong because I have never stopped writing. I may have been the only one that knew it or saw the words, but they were always there. I couldn’t have stopped them flowing from my heart anymore than I could have stopped the world from turning. This wrong – this thing consuming me was/is more than not putting words down. A lot more.
I’ve wanted to explain what happened, felt that I owed it to my readers. I didn’t know how. I still don’t. But I’m trying. My fingers are moving across this keyboard and Cambridge has resumed his Writing Assistant position.
That’s something, right?
In the planner for 2020, there are a lot of in depth questions meant to help me grow nearer to my goals and learn more about myself. It can be a bit overwhelming, so I’m thankful that I got it early – because overwhelmed is not something I need more of. I’ve started working through it and preparing for the year ahead. It’s a wonderful planner for a writer and this year there are some new additions that make it even better than before. It is my prayer that I put it to good use this year. I’d actually appreciate it, if you joined me in that little prayer.
At the top of one of the pages it says:
“We find joy when our actions align with our values.”
I feel like I lost who I was/who I am, by trying to be something I am not. I know I have been very quiet over the last nine months – that’s required for serious soul searching. A yearning to understand who I am as a writer. Something I never longed to know before. I just wrote. It’s what I did. It made me happy. It made others happy. It filled me with joy. It was my escape. It was my way of saying the things I felt I needed or wanted to say, to share my ideas and wisdom with others. As an introvert and an empath, it was my way to reach out. Writing was/is my voice and depression among other things silenced it.
I’d like to share with you what I am and what I am not. It will help you make a decision as to whether or not I’m someone you want to follow; an author you’d be willing to read. I will not be hiding my thoughts or feelings about things that matter to me, from this day forward.
I am NOT.
I am NOT a failure.
I am NOT worthless.
I am NOT the writer who forces a story out for someone else.
I am NOT a writer who says no to God.
I am NOT an extrovert.
I am NOT alone.
I am NOT going to post or blast social media EVERY SINGLE DAY in a feeble attempt at friendship.
Either you like me or you don’t.
I am NOT giving my hard work away for free.
I am NOT trend driven.
I am NOT rapidly releasing books.
I am NOT anyone but who God created me to be and her name is TONYA!
No matter what she writes.
AN EMOTIONAL WRITER.
I write from my heart, that takes time, time to feel.
To allow God to breathe life into the words.
LOVER OF JESUS.
SUFFERING WITH but not defined by anxiety and multiple types of depression.
I AM TONYA.
Psalm 61 NLT
O God, listen to my cry!
Hear my prayer!
From the ends of the earth,
I cry to you for help
when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
for you are my safe refuge,
a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
Let me live forever in your sanctuary,
safe beneath the shelter of your wings!
“The enemy can put the wrong thought in your mind, but it doesn’t become your thought until you take it and meditate on it.” ~Joyce Meyer
VERY recently I read KNOX by Susan May Warren. I LOVED it. It spoke to me on many levels and here are some important take-aways I got from it as well as my review.
REVIEW: SO WORTH IT! I absolutely loved this book! There are so many twist and turns, reading it is like watching a bull rider at the Rodeo. It has the excitement, the thrills and the prayers of “Oh, please let them hang on and not get hurt.” I know many people who won’t spend $10 on a book these days and I’m sorry to say it but they’re seriously missing out because some books are totally worth it. This being one of them! I dare you to give it a chance.
“Stop. Look up and truly see Jesus. Believe Him at His word, that He loves us. That we shouldn’t assign how we feel about ourselves to Jesus.“~Susan May Warren (From her book Knox)
“You’ll never find your path by looking at yourself.”~Susan May Warren (From her book Knox)
“Lord, help me to see You. To put my focus not on myself, and not on my brothers, but on You. On Your love. Be my vision, Lord.” ~Susan May Warren (From her book Knox)
“There is no peace, no healing without the secure knowledge of God’s love. But when our lives are shaken, it can be nearly impossible to reach out and hold onto the truth that we are loved. Even when life and people betray us. Even when the unthinkable happens. God’s love is not dependent on our actions. He loves us because He is Love. He. Is. Enough.” ~Susan May Warren
I hope something I said or shared spoke to you today. Have a blessed Sunday.