InFaith, Feeling, God, Love, Uncategorized

I Feel Stuck

For some time now, I’ve thought I would like to move back to my home state of Missouri. Closer to my family, whom I have spent many years living far away from. I left Missouri at the ripe age of twenty-one. I married, I had a baby girl and we spent almost all our spare time with our extended family. I enjoyed them, but sometimes I wished for time with just my little family. I felt like we were always being pulled one way or another.

When the opportunity to move came down the line, I encouraged my husband to accept it. I had spoken at length with my Grandma about my feelings and she had told me, “Sometimes we have to leave home for awhile to become who we’re meant to be.” To this day, I believe she was correct, even the Bible encourages it.

I read that to leave and cleave is to help protect our marriages from outside influences, including family members. It is a way to help establish that you and your spouse are now ONE. In fact, to God, you are one body. Leaving and cleaving to one another is to teach you to work together and outside influences disturb that.

You have to spread your wings and learn to fly and you cannot do that if never leave home, or at least put some distance between you and your now “extended” family members. You have to learn to become your own before you can embrace your all. That’s pretty hard to do these days, there are all kinds outside influences and you can’t really isolate yourself for a time of learning and growing.

There are experiences I would love to not have gone through, but I know and understand that each of them shaped me and molded me into the woman I am today. Just as I am sure, that by this time next year, more shaping and molding will have occurred. You cannot move forward in life without constantly being molded in the potters hands. Your daily activities, thoughts and experiences are all apart of that.

You know the saying, “God broke the mold when he made me“? I believe that to be true for every individual as there are none of us the same. However, how can a mold actually be broken when it is constantly being shaped and reformed by time and experience?

When you are stuck and sitting still not much happens, except what’s going on inside your head. Thoughts are pretty powerful no matter what your body might be doing. Those thoughts are what move you in one direction or another. The thing is, you can feel stuck while still moving forward. You can simply feel stuck in time and that’s where I am.

I am not unhappy. I’m not miserable. I’m not going backwards. But I am stuck because everything is not in a line with the other. I am ready to return to Missouri and be nearer to family. Even my husband has felt the pull to live closer.

However, we currently live in Virginia and our children’s lives for the moment are there. Our son will graduate this May and begin college in the fall. Our daughter will begin her Senior year of college in the fall and then who knows where life will take her. Then there is my husband and he has a nice job, one he won’t retire from for a good while yet.

My world has revolved around my husband, his career(s) and our children. Our children are grown and beginning lives of their own. My husband travels from Spring to Fall and so there I am… stuck. Stuck in time and waiting to see what unfolds in the coming years. While the desire to return is great and the possibility sorta there, the timing is not. So I feel stuck and as if I’m waiting and wishing for this next phase, that may or may not even occur.

How odd uh? I mean, we don’t truly know what the future holds. All we can do is continue moving forward and seeing what unfolds. The problem with that is patience, which I seriously lack, and what’s the word…

LONGING.

Have you ever felt a deep longing for something? I think that’s what I’m feeling. I’m stuck in a time of longing and unsure how to remove that or at least set it aside for a time, leave it at the Lord’s feet and let him lead the way. My way, my humanly desires, this feeling…it could be wrong. The heart is rather deceiving, you know?

Yesterday, I attended Church with my Momma as I have been doing the entire time I’ve been here with her. I enjoy Church and have for many years. I do not have a Church family in Virginia. We did a really small Church search in Oklahoma but never settled on one. We haven’t even attempted it in Virginia. I see pretty Churches and I think about trying them out, but I don’t follow through with the thought.

Why? Laziness. Sick of trying. Knowing that I’m probably going alone and not wanting to do that.

Momma says I need to. Momma says a lot of things. She’s probably right, she usually is, but yesterday I as I sat listening to Pastor Gordon mention announcements, that longing in my chest rose up again. The service was wonderful. Halen was baptized and I feel blessed that I got to be here for that as well as her Christmas play. The message Pastor Gordon gave left me feeling as if it were meant not only for all to hear, but for the men in our lives to really pay attention to and step up. They are the leaders of our home.

I mean, according to scripture, the Spiritual Head of a household is the husband. Ephesians 5: 22-23. I suppose that’s why the Lord has placed a longing within wives for their husbands to be the leader God created them to be. I know, personally, there have been things that I’m not okay with. Things I feel my husband should have put his foot down on or said no. Things I wish he’d do, ways I wish he’d lead without me requesting it or nagging. I do not believe wives were created as prompts. Encouragers, sure, but even that is a carefully walked balance beam, is it not?

It says in Ecclesiates 3: 7 – “A time to be silent and a time to speak.

Would you believe the longing rose up in my chest on Sunday because of football? I don’t care for football. I don’t get it. I don’t have the desire either. I know we want the Chiefs to win, ALWAYS and that my husband has some serious happy dance skills. One of the announcements Sunday was about a get together in February to watch football and I immediately thought, “Oh, David would love that! We could get involved here.

Later, in my thoughts, I found myself wondering, would we though? So again, I lay it at the Lord’s feet and wait.

You might be feeling stuck in some aspect of your life today and I want to tell you that being stuck doesn’t equal being depressed. If you google, stuck in time, you’ll find some pretty negative, depressing things to read. Sometimes, being stuck is simply STUCK. And ya know what? That’s okay. Don’t let it lead you down a dark path. I’m sure it can, but it doesn’t have to.

I mean, yes, I feel stuck. I feel this longing that I haven’t really felt before, but I have an amazing husband, two awesome but basically adult children whom I’m joyfully watching learn to spread their wings and I’ve a beautiful quiet home in Virginia, a gorgeous state! My life is good. I’m not complaining, I’m simply waiting to see what unfolds and where God leads us next. For all I know, I could very well spend the rest of my days in Virginia, like my Grandma did in Missouri. She was born in Louisiana.

For those of you that read historical fiction, think about those women that left their families and traveled to the untamed West. They knew the meaning of leave and cleave, didn’t they?

So no matter where you’re at, remember: Life, it goes on. You can’t stop it, but you can roll with it.

Love,

~Tonya

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