InFaith, Feeling, Go to the Mattresses, God, Health & Healing, Love, Momma, Prayer

I’m Not Perfect

As most of you know I’ve been home with my Momma. She’s not well. She hasn’t been for quite some time and it has finally progressed to the stage in which medical care is required. She’s been having tests done in preparation for a surgery. She is exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. Personally, I think she’s probably starving. She has such a hard time eating. She is ready to just get this over with. She refuses to stop working because she needs the money, which I understand. Bills don’t stop just because you’re sick. If anything, they increase.

I’m doing my best here. My best to care for her home, to organize it and clear the clutter, which is something she’s asked for my help on multiple times. I figure if I’m going to be here and she’s going to work, then I might as well get her home in tip top shape. Maybe then, after she recovers it won’t be as overwhelming to her as it is.

However, I will say that every time Tim walks through that door and lays something on that island I cleaned off yet AGAIN…well, I wanna box his ears. I’m working my butt off here dude! I love the man, but come on, help a sister out. I’m making sure you have dinner, you know that cooking is for you, a gift I’m giving YOU cause Momma struggles to even eat it! So keep the island cleaned off and that includes the tables, Mister.

I know how tired Momma is and when she comes in from work, I don’t want her having to do anything but rest. I know she’s struggling with that. She feels like she needs to be doing something. I struggle with that! Cause if I don’t get something finished or accomplished I don’t want her coming in and trying to do it. I want her to REST.

She has a hard time just letting go and receiving the blessing. There was something I was once told, I can’t remember by who or exactly how it went, but I myself was struggling with receiving blessings and these words really helped me. It went something like this, when you stop a person from giving a blessing you are blocking them from receiving a blessing. For many people, it is a blessing to give, to share. I know it is hard for many of us to receive, but I’ve yet to figure out why.

I love to help. I love to give. It’s why Christmas is my favorite holiday. I don’t really care about the getting, it’s the giving. It’s the smiles, the laughs and the joy…that’s the real gift. If I give something that earns me a smile or brings about some laughter, then I’ve been gifted the gift of joy and I love that. That’s a far bigger blessing to me than some nicknack I’m gonna have to find a place for and be stuck dusting. Kindness is a beautiful gift, a wonderful blessing. We all need to learn to enjoy it and stop feeling guilty for receiving it.

You are gifted to share it, not just to sit on it. You only end up blocking your own blessings when you do. ~Jazz Zo Marcellus

Now, you might be wondering at the title of this post, so let me explain. There are certain things I believe, just as there are certain things you believe. One of those things is, I am not perfect. I never will be and in my belief system neither will anyone else. Perfect, was born to the virgin Mary and died on the cross for you and I. None of us are Jesus and we will never measure up. All we can truly do is strive to have a heart for God, to learn and to grow. Always PROGRESSING, never PERFECTING.

That’s not a negative in my mind, because I will only achieve perfection when I am home with Jesus. Which leads me to my next belief.

Once saved. Always saved. WRONG!

I do not believe that. To me that is a cop out. That’s cheating the system. That’s thinking, “Oh I accepted Jesus but I can go out here and commit adultery or murder. I can lie, cheat and steal and I’ll still go to heaven.NO SIR! There are commandments for a reason. The Bible is the LIVING word for a reason. Striving to have a HEART for God, means the following:

  • Read your Bible.
  • Obey his word.
  • Seek Forgiveness.
  • Repent.
  • Sin less.
  • Watch your language (I struggle with that when irritated or mad or when I’ve been around someone who uses it and influences me).
  • Love and Honor and RESPECT your spouse! Take their feelings, their thoughts and their desires into account.
  • It goes: GOD, SPOUSE, CHILDREN and then everyone else. No one in your life should come before those three.
  • Be Patient.
  • Shut up and listen.
  • Simply aim to do better EVERY SINGLE DAY.

As a Christian, you will fall short of the glory of God. You will sin again. You will need to seek forgiveness. You will at some point need to rededicate your life to God, because you will back slide so far you might not know which way is up. You will fall, it’s inevitable and you will need God to lift you up.


This applies to every single one of us, myself included. I am not perfect. However, it is easier to see the imperfections in someone else, than ones self, is it not? I was born an observer of people, of their actions and their words. I see things others don’t because I’m looking. I believe this helps me as an author. It’s difficult to describe what you haven’t seen, heard or felt, don’t you think?

Since I’ve been here, I’ve seen some things. I’ve seen my Momma hurting, more than physically. I’ve seen her cry. It’s ruffling my feathers to say the least and I need prayer that I will not lose my cool. That I will take my own advice listed above, because honestly I’m ready to knock a couple heads together. I’m not airing any dirty laundry here, I’m simply stating a fact. I get extremely fired up when someone or something is messing with my family, even if it’s family doing it, because families are also not perfect. They may look perfect or sound perfect on Facebook, but trust me, none of them are.

I think, getting our feathers ruffled is something we all experience, but I could be wrong. I feel like I’m here doing what anyone in my shoes, with my availability would do for their Momma. Shoot, I’d have done this for my Mother-in-Law had I been given the chance. I don’t do this to gain something. I don’t do this for recognition. I do this out of LOVE. It does not make me the perfect daughter, that is not a title I ever want to have. I have siblings and we all love Momma, not a single one of us is perfect.

Now, I know I need prayer to behave myself and my Momma needs a whole heap of prayers, but there is someone in my life who needs a truck load of them. Someone who I see trying to walk with God while holding hands with the Devil. I’d really hate for judgement day to come and for God to have to ask that someone why they were holding hands with the enemy. The thought of that truly hurts my heart.

So, I ask you once again, to please keep my family covered in prayer. Momma has had two of her required tests done and the third is on the 26th, after that we will be able to finally move forward. There are a couple thank you’s I need to mention before I go.

First, I do not remember her name, but she works at the Willard facility where my Momma goes to give patients showers. This woman told Momma that from now on she would have someone lifting the patients into the shower/tub for her. I believe she, like my siblings and I, fear Momma’s stomach moving up further and creating a medical emergency. Momma is having a hard time receiving that particular blessing, but we, her children, are most thankful for it. The Willard people are really good to my Momma and she loves it there. I wish she could just work there, but she needs to be here for Halen and well, CNA positions are 7-3 or 3-7 or 11-7, that doesn’t really work for Momma.

Second, this past week Momma received a donation from a friend, whom I don’t know if she would like her named mentioned or not, so I won’t. Anyway, this $200 donation is a huge blessing. It arrived just as Momma’s medical bill came due. Currently that bill is $285 a month and it climbs with each procedure or test. We are so thankful and so blessed by this donation. Momma was a bit speechless to be honest. She told me, I just don’t know what to say. I know for a fact that it shocked her, because when I told her I was asking for help, for her bills, she told me, “No one is gonna help me like that.

WRONG Momma! Have a little faith. We serve a good, good God and he’s got your back! So once again, chill out, sit down and be a good little receiver. We all love and care about you.

To those of you praying, THANK YOU! 

To those of you donating, THANK YOU! 

I know together we will ease her burdens and shine so brightly with God’s love that she can’t do anything but bask in it. I appreciate you taking the time to read this, to ask about Momma, to comment, to pray, to chip in and for sending your love. Thank you so very much.


~Tonya (aka “that big ole boss“)

The link to chip in: HERE.


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