InGod, Let's Talk Straight, slightly snarky friday

Oh, Hairy Butts!

We gonna begin this post with a prayer, cause either I need it, or someone out there needs it or something! Cause Lord Jesus, let me tell you!

Heavenly Father, help my eyes unsee the things I’ve seen! If the post that follows is viewed as judgmental, then Lord, unburden me of the judging, because Father, somethings just shouldn’t be! I’ve been traumatized Lord and if these things I see are traumatizing me, then surely others are being affected as well. We need ya, Lord. Oh, we need ya! There are some ugly and troubling things here on earth. Some far worse than what’s on my mind currently, I know, but we need ya just the same. In the light of things and the dark of things. Whether we laugh or cry and whether we shield our eyes or feel like they’re bugging out of our head. No matter the moment we find ourselves sitting in, I know we need ya and I thank you for being there. And Lord, please be with that fella that was at the Ozark Walmart, cause he needs some suspenders. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Now, then…

Many people have told me, “You write like you talk.” Well, DUH! Of course I do, if I didn’t, it wouldn’t be me writing it! I don’t want to sound like anyone but me! If that ain’t okay, then I don’t know what to tell ya. I may not be as qualified as some, but I have stories and words in my heart and on my mind that I wanna share. Therefore, I’m gonna share them.

So, sit back, fasten your seatbelts and y’all hang on! Sometimes my train of thought bounces around like that ole Jeep outside. That pieced together, rickety rackety thing the kids drive round and round the house. I promise, I eventually, do get to the point.

Before I tell you what happened, let me mention author friend, Kari Trumbo. On Friday’s she generally posts something called, Slightly Snarky Friday. These are humorous little posts meant to make you laugh or brighten your day. As I was thinking about writing this post I kept wondering, Lord, am I being slightly snarky here? Perhaps this post falls under that category. Therefore, I would feel wrong if I didn’t give Kari the credit for placing the thought “Slightly Snarky Friday” in my head.

Another author friend I need to give a shout out to is, Linda Hubalek. She has a wonderful series called Grooms with Honor. I’ve mentioned this series to my Momma a few times because it makes me laugh. The way these grooms were taught to for lack of a better word, cuss. Their father is a preacher and his way of cussing is by starting at the first book of the Bible and as the day progresses any time the urge to say the wrong word arises, what comes out of their mouth is something more along the lines of, “Oh, Deuteronomy!” It makes me giggle every time I read a part where one of the grooms is having himself a moment and what a way to memorize the books of the Bible! Did you ever have to do that in Sunday School?

Momma was telling me a story the other day about my Uncle Glen. He is currently in Israel and Momma is so jealous. Traveling to Israel is on Momma’s bucket list and two of her brothers, Glen and Arnold, are there and they are having the trip of a lifetime! A trip she desires to go on. Anyway, she’s telling me about when Uncle Glen got married and how he was upstairs just pacing back and forth, back and forth. All he would say over and over was, “Oh mercy.” She was so worried about him she went downstairs and told her parents, “Glen is upstairs and I guess he’s praying for mercy because he just keeps saying it over and over.” All I could think of when she was telling me this little story was about Linda’s books and perhaps Uncle Glen was having an “Oh, Deuteronomy” moment.

Wanna know the ironic thing? Uncle Glen is a pastor and his wife is named Linda. Uncle Arnold is also a pastor. Yep, I come from a line of pastors and alcoholics. Right side and wrong side of the tracks connecting and being woven together by love. Love is such a powerful thing.

I tell you these little tidbits because yesterday I had myself an OH, DEUTERONOMY moment! I was putting dinner together in the crockpot and realized the spinach had gone bad, and some of the ingredients were missing. So, off to the local Walmart I go in search of the items I need for dinner and well, of course, I found a few other things. Like a super soft sweater, in a shade of yellow that says something about needing caffeine. AND it just happened to be on clearance for seven dollars! How could a girl who loves coffee and the color yellow turn that down! I mean, come on.

I finished my shopping and I am exiting the store. As I do, I witness an older couple tell this man who is walking into the store that he dropped something. He thanks them and turns around to retrieve his property, then he heads on into the store. I unload my purchases and put my cart away. Then I climb into my cute little mini cooper and back out. I pull towards the front of the store, where I have to wait on people entering and exiting before I can carry on about my merry little way.

Well as it happens, the man that dropped something exits the store again and this time retrieves a shopping cart. I’ve no idea why, other than perhaps the cart collector boy needed to do some collecting. He gets his cart and turns to walk back into the store and this is where I am greeted with a traumatizing sight…

Oh, Lord!

Oh, Mercy!

Oh, Deuteronomy!

This man was an older man. He was bald on top and yet, had the remnants of a mullet hanging down his neck. I don’t remember if his shirt was long sleeves or short sleeves, because that is not what stood out. It was his belly. Most of us would call it a beer belly, a rather large one, as his shirt did not cover it all. Which, I understand some people have trouble with…

However…

He was wearing a pair of gym shorts, and Dear God, I pray he had underwear on but I truly do not know! As he walked back across my line of vision yet again, his shorts were just sliding further and further down with each step he took. I had a full view of his belly overhang and as he made it across the walk way, I found myself greeted with a full view of his ENTIRE hairy butt crack! Can we say GROSS! I found myself praying for everyone inside Walmart because if those shorts slipped any further…

Dear Heavens! 

That is something we do not want to see. I don’t wanna see it and honey, if you do, something ain’t right with you. That’s just nasty. If you are going to be out in public, you need to wear clothing that covers from the top of the chest to the middle of the thigh because I do not need to see the following:

  • Your boobs
  • Your butt
  • Your lady parts
  • OR your man parts
  • and if you THINK you’ve got some kind of other part, well you ain’t right, and I don’t wanna see that either!

Now, if you are a cute little thing and wanna show off your belly ring, then sister go for it! BUT if that belly be so big I cannot even see the ring, Oh, Deuteronomy! Girlfriend, cover that up. It ain’t pretty. I understand that whole, “love your body, love yourself” stuff, but honey, love yourself enough not to embarrass yourself. You want people to smile at you instead of cringe and inwardly scream, Oh, Deuteronomy! I promise you, that putting yourself on display is not becoming for man or woman.

Many of us women love leggings, no matter our size. I myself am one of them. They are stretchy and comfortable and let’s face it, they fit like a second skin. However, if I’m going to wear leggings, then the top I wear with them is going to cover my butt, as well as my front. Why?

  1. I don’t want anyone seeing my belly – it ain’t cute and that’s just the truth. No self hate here. Truth is truth, whether I like it or not.
  2. I once saw a very, very large woman in leggings with a crop top on. Oh, Deuteronomy! If that wasn’t bad enough, you could see every single…umm what’s the nice word here… dimple in her butt cheeks. So unattractive. I’m sure, with my current weight and the size of my tush, that it also ain’t cute. Therefore, cover that sucker up sister!

I like to feel pretty. I like to look nice or even sexy when I go out with my husband, but the truth of the matter is you’ve got to work with what you’ve got. A can of biscuits does not fit into a sardine can! Just sayin’ and that fella at Walmart, y’all someone should have gifted that man some suspenders for Christmas!

Now, I don’t want to offend folks, but in this day and age – you might as well wake up and check it off your list. People feel so entitled and offended over the dumbest things. I mean to tell you, common sense, decent morals and modesty, well, they’ve gone missing and a search party oughta be sent out after them. I don’t want to go a lot of places anymore because well…

  1. It’s scary
  2. It’s gross
  3. And it’s just plain sad.

If I had been walking into Walmart behind this man, I would have mentioned to him that he is mooning the entire parking lot. Surely he knew, I mean it was kinda windy, but who knows – maybe not. I’m not afraid to tell someone, “hey your butt’s hanging out” and you shouldn’t be either. Instead of ignoring all this stuff that makes me feel slightly snarky and perhaps you too, we need to speak up. We need to get loud. We need to be heard.

So, the next time you see something that makes you vomit a bit in your mouth or inwardly cringe and cry out Oh, Deuteronomy, SAY SOMETHING. If enough of us start speaking up, maybe we’ll see a change in the world. I promise you, had little miss Halen been with me, words would have been said. She would have even rolled down the window to tell him. Children have no filter and they call it as the see it, so should we. I’m not saying be mean. You can be honest and gentle at the same time.

My niece, Hailie and I were at Starbucks not long ago and the young man working the register had a black smudge on the top of his nose from the marker they use to write on the cups. I noticed it and after he took our order, I kindly said, “Umm you’ve got a bit of marker on your nose.” His response, “Thank you.” Then he looked at his co-worker like, why didn’t you tell me? I felt for him, because she should have told him. They work in such a close proximity in there, that she had to know. If it were me, yes, it might be slightly embarrassing to be told at first, but I would appreciate being told more than working my entire shift with marker on my nose.

My niece could not believe I told him. She saw it too, but she remained silent and I believe was slightly embarrassed over the fact that I told him. What did she have to be embarrassed about? It wasn’t on her nose, ya know?

Just be honest with people. It doesn’t hurt. You can do it with a gentleness, something I’ve had to learn over the years and sometimes I still fail. If your friend asks you how something looks and it doesn’t look good or it is inappropriate for their shape/size then tell them that it is unflattering. Help them find something that makes them feel good, but is also flattering.

I feel for our young people growing up, because they don’t even know or understand why something is not okay. Take Halen for example, she’s six. She will be seven, really soon, and she’s been through a lot, she’s overcome a lot too. However, she thinks it’s cute to tie her t-shirts up at the side with a ponytail, until it’s high enough to show off her little midsection. I won’t let her go out with me like that, neither will Mom. We’re trying to teach her about modesty. We’re trying to teach her that kissy faces and tongues hanging out is not cute. Our world is so over sexualized that our young are suffering from it, so much so they don’t even know it’s a problem.

See, I told you, it’s sad out there. We gotta make a change folks, we just gotta. I should be able to go do my shopping without seeing body parts that oughta be covered up. I should also be able to take Halen with me and not worry about what she is going to see…or what may come out of her little mouth as a result of it.

Sometimes it’s okay to shake your head and carry on, but I think we’ve done too much of that and the time as come to start standing up, to start speaking up and to start showing up. It does us no good what-so-ever to ignore the things that ought not be ignored for fear of offending someone. They already offended, it’s time they got over it.

…and that’s my two-cents on this slightly snarky Friday moment.

Love y’all – stay decent!

~Tonya

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