It seems like I just spoke on this topic, yet it’s still weighing upon my heart. I’m gonna be straight up honest with y’all. Yesterday, was a bad day. I got mad. I do that, don’t you? I didn’t want to get up to begin with, but I did it anyway. I sat at the table trying to read my devotions, but Momma was listening to some Preacher on the radio again. Which is totally fine and I did laugh at some of the things he said, but I cannot read and listen at the same time. I’m not that talented.
So devotions took longer than normal and one of mine has scriptures you can color, so I was “doodling” while listening. Once Momma left for work, I finished my reading/writing for the day. I ate some lunch and by that time Tim was back home. The weather has been messy lately and he doesn’t work in that. He was sleeping in his recliner and I still felt rather tired. I thought, it is quiet, perhaps I should try to sneak in a little nap before I get started on something.
…And that’s when all heck broke loose. Within thirty minutes I was fit to be tied and madder than an ole wet hen. I had barely dosed off when I heard my phone. I ignored it. Then I heard the text. I ignored that. Then I heard Tim’s loud mouth and not long after my phone was ringing again. I thought, what the heck!
I have rarely attempted a nap here, at home I take one most every day. I love naps. They keep me going. Naps around here though are very few and far between. Honestly, I feel guilty over them here. It’s not like at home, where I get this look about me (I don’t even know what it looks like but my husband does) and he just grins and says, “Nap time?” (He knows me so well) I give him a kiss and head on upstairs to the comfort of our bed.
I’m missing him and my home more and more each day, which makes things harder. The pace of this home is far higher than my own, which is exhausting in itself. I’m not used to this at all. As a matter of fact I do more here than I do in my own home! I should probably fix that, even still, the pace of my home wouldn’t match this one. Ever.
I pretty much have an empty nest, but the pace of my home has always been rather chill. I can nap when I want to. I can do a, b, or c when I feel like it or when the sudden burst of energy hits. I can dance to the beat of my own drum no matter how slow it is, without seriously upsetting the balance and I like it that way.
I, unknowingly, upset the balance here. It had one person stuck in the middle, one person afraid to talk and then myself – and I got mad. I’ve gotten mad a few times since I’ve been here and for the most part been able to keep it under my hat. Yesterday, I failed.
I have multiple playlists on Spotify. One of those being my “Therapy” list and well, I had it playing pretty loudly as I yanked things off the wall and began the process of finishing a project. When Cayenne walked in to assist, I barely heard her whispered, “Hi Sissy“.
I wasn’t handling anything gently. Frustrations and stress are high, tension is tight and I – I need a break. A day to breathe, a quiet moment and for the world to just stop for a second – so that I can catch my breath and keep pace with things around here. And then, maybe, just maybe it will all be okay. I’m not the energizer bunny, nor am I as strong as most think.
Of course, I did bring a lot of things on to myself. I really gotta stop that. I just thought I’d do some nice things while here. I never imagined they would become the tipper of the balance beam. Order, however, has been restored, as best it can be. It does bother me that something I’d wanted to be “special” is now stained with the wrong emotions.
Sadly, I can’t erase that. In the words of my friend Tara, “It’s not like spaghetti. Once it’s out, you can’t suck it back in.” Perhaps, that’s why GRACE UPON GRACE has become a mantra that plays over and over in my head. Still, I am human. A human chalk full of emotions. Aren’t we all?
Wait a minute…
All y’all out there that identify as a dragon, or dog, or mermaid cat or whatever the heck you wanna call yourself…you are straight up crazy because you are human too. That’s the way God made ya whether you like it or not so get over it.
Yesterday, I failed.
Today, I’m doing laundry.
Surgery is in SEVEN days.
Momma is feeling under the weather again and I’m positive the stress of life, the frustrations, irritations and all the feelings swirling around inside her, makes everything worse.
So, if y’all could just keep her and our family high on that prayer list I’d sure appreciate that.
Oh, and stay safe out there!