As a mom, wife, husband, father, and even a child I’m sure we have all witnessed things that make us shake our head at the other. Just as I am sure many of us have experienced, “oh, that just gets under my skin!” irritation. It’s like a bad rash, with no cure. Every time it happens, you’ve got two options.
- Grin and Bear it.
- Lose it.
Since I have been here at Momma’s, many, oh so many things have gotten under my skin and made me wanna scream! I ain’t gonna lie to you, when Tim and Halen get together, whew! Those two could make a Saint cuss and take up drinking. I have no earthly idea how Momma handles it. It is extremely grating and it certainly does not help with Momma feeling poorly.
I mean…you know how in some animated movies or cartoons – where someone kinda-sorta-accidentally on purpose gets shot in the butt with a tranquilizer dart? Oh yeah! I have totally envisioned doing just that! Especially when I see Momma trying to rest, asking them to please stop, or “grinning and bearing it” when I so totally know she wants to LOSE it!
Heck, I wanna lose it! I mean can’t they see they are not helping any by acting a fool like a bunch a dadgum hyenas.
BUT… I don’t live here. I’m not married to him – love him to death on the days I don’t wanna strangle him – but oh, am I ever thanking Jesus for the husband I have and am I ever praying extra hard for Momma. Cause y’all, I straight up do not know how she does it! I wouldn’t last one year. Truth.
Perhaps that is why I feel God constantly repeating this simple word to me.
When I want to lose it, he says, “Grace“.
When I want to tell Tim, or Momma’s work, or doctors exactly what I think, he says, “Grace.”
When I’m tired and I’ve had enough, he says, “Grace.”
…and let me tell you, there have been a few failing moments and I’m beyond positive there will be several more. I ain’t perfect, by no means and well, try as I might I don’t always behave or listen as I should. Shoot, I’m even worried about how this post will be perceived.
However, in this season of my life, God is constantly reminding me to extend grace to those I love and even to those I really do not like. It’s not easy. It’s straight up HARD! Tim has a special way of driving everyone he comes into contact with insane! I truly believe he could test the patience of a saint. He’s just that talented, and sadly patience is something I sorely lack.
I hope he truly realizes what an amazing wife he has in Momma. I know I’m biased, after all, she is my Momma. But WOW! You wanna learn how to extend grace, come stay awhile with Momma and watch her.
I do feel God telling me though, step back, take a breather, and extend grace. I’m gonna be real honest here, I often pray that the good Lord will just put his hand over my mouth. I know he’s keeping me in check. Otherwise, I’d have done lost it, many times over, and that would be ugly…very, very ugly.
And I have no desire to make things any worse. So…
There have been somethings occur at Momma’s work and I feel I must be very careful with anything I say here or to anyone in her building. Which is sad. I even have to be careful with what pictures/videos I share with her for her Facebook, because you must not be too sick if your posting on Facebook.
Momma sits right here on this couch, lays in her bed, or walks to the bathroom and yeah once in awhile she looks out the front door! It is her home. She takes pictures/videos in it, most of them from the couch or she receives them from one of her adult children to share. She’s not out galavanting around, partying and crap. Shoot, she couldn’t handle that!
Oh Lord! Help me with that Grace, I’m struggling here.
Christmas Eve, my sisters and I were in the kitchen drinking wine and making fudge. Yes, I’m a Christian and yes, I like wine. I’ll write my most likely unpopular opinion on that in another post for you sometime. Anyway, we were having a good ole time and we felt bad because Momma wasn’t in there with us. Normally, she would have been, with her coffee. Cayenne kept asking me, “is she okay?”
Well, no, not really but until surgery there’s not much we can do. So, the sisters and I did our thing and we peaked into the living room to check on Momma from time to time, wishing she felt up to being in there with us. It just wasn’t the same.
Christmas was overwhelming for Momma, but she did her best to be an active participant. Her actions were that of listening and observing, verses cooking, playing games and so forth. And that is OKAY. We didn’t want her over doing it. This year was “active rest“. Next year she can be active and join in on the reindeer games.
There are days, when I’ve taken her somewhere, for example Church. I take her every Sunday and by the time we make it back home, y’all she’s done for. Whatever energy she had, it’s gone. She’s gonna change into something comfortable and take a nap or sit on the couch. I could take her out for lunch, we’ve done that once after Church and let me tell you what, that was hard for her.
She wants to do things. She tries to do things. She hates not doing things. I’ve tried to step back a bit and let her do more, but then I feel bad. She can’t stop living simply because she is sick. You wouldn’t believe what I know, what they said or how they hurt her. And y’all know how well I handle it when someone hurts my Momma…
She is so sick y’all. So very sick. Every day she forces herself to get up, to go to work, and to do her best. I wish she’d just let Dr. Kim take her off work but her reasoning is: I have a responsibility, a responsibility to my employers and my patients. I need the money. I have bills, more responsibilities. I have to make it to my surgery date, at least. So, she’s running herself ragged for a company that I have a poor opinion of.
She drags herself through the door at the end of the day and she looks awful. There are days I don’t even know how she managed to make it home. She shuffles through the door, drags herself down the hall to her room and does one of two things.
- Immediately lays down.
- Takes a shower & then lays down.
I know she has responsibilities and needs money for the bills. I know that’s why she’s forcing herself to work until this surgery. I know she’s stressed about it and stressed about her job. The stress of all that doesn’t help her either! We have the Family Medical Leave paperwork in place…but I’ve a feeling about somethings with that company. Once I see how all this plays out, I’ll let you know if I was right. Until then…
GRACE – even when I don’t wanna!
Surgery is THIRTEEN days away. Momma is miserable, more so than she has been or even lets on. She says her chest fills fuller, as if the stomach has moved further up. You can even feel it in her chest now. She can draw a circle around it with her finger and show you. It’s huge. She can’t seem to get comfortable; sitting, laying, or standing. It doesn’t matter.
She’s in pain and she doesn’t feel good because of all this. She’s exhausted beyond measure, in every way, and in MY opinion she needs to sit and rest until surgery. WHY? Because this thing is already worse, because she’s gonna end up sick and they’ll have to put the surgery off, and because of the simple RISK that this thing could become an emergency very quickly. Because the people she’s sacrificing herself for…
Oh Jesus! Help me extend that GRACE!
But Momma is determined, and stubborn, and set in her ways and therefore…
GRACE – even when I wanna shake some sense into her.
I pray Dr. Edwards knows what he’s doing, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit worried about this. The changes I’ve seen in her…something’s different. Something feels off. I still can’t believe we’ve had to wait TWO months for this!
I know, Lord. GRACE.
Four days ago, that’s how long I’ve been trying to finish this post, Momma posted a post about me. I don’t know why she does that craziness. Anyway, Nancy commented on the post and said, “I think Tonya was just born to be the caretaker.” Oh Nancy, Nancy, Nancy. How I desperately wish you were right and visions of dart guns were not dancing in my head.
Truth is, I’d rather be home. It’s peaceful and quiet at home. People don’t drop by at 10 p.m. My husband and children are at home. My things are at home. I can sleep in. I like being in my own home. So much is at home and I cannot wait to return to it, where I belong. I might even have an approximate countdown going on in my head. BUT I am needed here and y’all, you only get one Momma. One real and true Momma.
When she’s gone – she’s gone. So love her with all you’ve got for the time you’ve got her. Because someday God is gonna call her home. I want no regrets. I’m sure some with arise regardless as I assume that’s one of those things we all run into no matter what.
Thing is, I don’t want her to be taken from me, slowly or suddenly, and not have taken every opportunity I that I am given to love her – and loving her includes loving Tim. I really do love him, he just annoys me something fierce. So, GRACE it is.
You know, my Grandma used to call me all the time. I loved her calls, but sometimes I didn’t pause and take the time for them. Sometimes, I said to myself, I’ll call her back later. Then I’d forget and sometimes, I even ignored it. If I could undo one thing, I’d pause and take every call, every moment to be present. It’s not mistake I intend to make again, with anyone I love.
I guess that’s why God is impressing upon my heart two words this year. Grace and Present. He knows where I struggle. He knows all my shortcomings and failings. He knows I’m gonna snap from time to time. I mean come on, he made me! He knows me best. So, if he says Grace and be Present. Then I shall do my best and be thankful that he loves me when I stumble, when I fall and even when I lose it.
I am needed.
Needed to extend love, grace and to be present in all of life’s moments. The up’s, the down’s, and even the round and round’s. Cause y’all I see things, I hear things, and I want to fix ALL things. I want her healthy. I want her happy. I want her home nice, clean and organized for her. I want so many things for her. She is my Momma. She’s my number one best friend. I love her, so why wouldn’t I want all that and more for her?
Therefore, I am here, doing the hard things. Hard, because extending grace that can be about as hard as forgiving someone whom you feel doesn’t deserve it. Truth is, we didn’t deserve it either when Jesus hung upon that cross and said, Father forgive them. He paid the ultimate price and created the bridge for us to enter Heaven because Jesus is Love.
Hard doesn’t stop us from loving, forgiving, or even extending grace. Satan does.
Please keep those prayers coming, for all of us, especially Momma. The stress of her job, responsibilities, and medical bills is truly weighing on her. If you feel called to CHIP IN, we’d be forever grateful for your kindness, love and support towards our family during this season of our life.
And if I find one more plastic fork, knife, or spoon in the sink…