As I sat down to write and update all of you on Momma, I thought, tonight I need some music, something to bring down the stress of today. I’m rather fond of the group Plumb. I opened my Spotify and went directly to the playlist, This is: Plumb and clicked shuffle. The first song to come on was, “I can’t do this”. It’s kinda eery how well that song went along with my thoughts.
The lyrics begin with, “I woke up late.” That was Cayenne today and then she was rushed getting here because Brian lost his wallet. Then it goes on to say, “Guess I’m never really early.” That’s me. It’s a rarity that freaks people out when I accomplish it. The next few lines talk about hesitating, being tired, and procrastination. Something several of us are guilty of. We hesitate, we think, “Oh, it will pass” or “It’s not a big deal…yet.” We put things off until the last minute, sometimes simply because we dread it and others because well that’s just how we are.
The song then says, “I can’t do this by myself. Oh God, I need your help.” That applied to Momma today. I think it applies to each of us every day. However, on extra difficult days some of us need to press into God a little more. You know how when something in your life is going wrong. It got turned upside down, you were thrown a curveball and all you want is your Momma? The perfect example I have for that right now is Cayenne. She’s in a pretty dark place. The diagnosis that she cannot have children turned her life into a tailspin and you know what she wants? Her Momma.
Do we ever outgrow that need, that desire to run to Momma or for some of us, our Daddy? When you’re hurt, broken, bruised, scared or feeling completely lost who do you run to? Who do you lean on? Who do you press into in hopes of drawing strength from them? The lyrics in the song say, “Press into me. Breathe the air. Bask in Me. You’ll be free. To do anything.”
Today was difficult. It was a day I think all three of us could have done without. Mom felt embarrassed. We felt bad because we knew she had to do this. All we could do was hold her hand, rub her back and pray. It took everything we both had in us not to break down and cry or tell the sweet nurse to stop doing that to our Momma! Her name is Malissa and she did an amazing job. She was kind and gentle, but man she’s got a horrible job! I can’t imagine doing that for a living. I know it paves the way for treatments or surgeries but my goodness, that’s awful.
First, she numbed one side of Momma’s nose and that was bad enough. The look on Momma’s face when she tasted it was all I needed to know that was some BAD BAD stuff! Malissa couldn’t get it in that side and so she had to try the other, which meant putting that stuff up the other side! Then it started going in and Momma was trying to not to gag. Cayenne was trying not to gag right along with her. I really thought they were going to be sharing a puke bucket. Cayenne hid it well, but yeah, I caught it.
Then it got to the point that Momma didn’t think she could handle it or do this and she cried out to God and well, it was real hard not to lose it then. Malissa ever so sweetly said, “That’s right. He’ll help you through this.” I mean we couldn’t have asked for a better nurse.
Once the tube (Malissa called it a catheter and it was certainly larger than a feeding tube!) was in place, we had to get Momma positioned on her back and then rolled to her left side. Once laying down things seemed a tad better, that’s also when I realized the music playing was Christian music. I was trying to catch the song and then it changed to the next song; I can only imagine. It was then that I witnessed the most precious moment of whole horrible ordeal. My sister at my Momma’s head, holding her hand, stroking her hair and softly singing along with the song. It was exactly what Momma needed in that moment.
Thankfully, I was quick enough that I also got it on camera. It is my hope that it will help Momma through difficult days ahead. She can watch it over and over and feel that calmness wash over her that helped her through today. Perhaps it will give her strength in the knowledge that she CAN do this. It may feel like everything is a chaotic mess and stacked against her, but I know who is fighting for her and loves her more than she could ever imagine! More than I could even imagine.
Maybe it will even help Cayenne. She has a huge heart and so much love to give. I hate that she’s hurting right now, but I know that God loves her too. It’s really hard to press into him when we’re feeling devastated vs loved. Sadly, that seems to be when we grow the most. Don’t get comfortable, if you do, I hope you are prepared for one of life’s nasty little curveballs. When we’re uncomfortable, we learn. We grow.
Just like today. It was horrible. It was majorly uncomfortable for Momma but it allowed the doctors to learn so that they can treat her correctly. We can be thankful for that. I’m not sure what else will be learned or how those of us involved in this journey will grow, but I know it will happen. It will have it’s difficult days. It’s hard days. The goofy laughter filled moments. The moments of reflections.
Moments. That’s what life is about, right? Moments.
What did we learn today?
Malissa said from what she could see, she believes Momma will be able to have the full wrap surgery. Dr. Edwards had discussed with us a 260 or 36o, basically how tight they wrap her stomach. Her muscles are working well. We also learned that the first test she had done, the one they sedated her for and that it required her to wear that monitor for 48 hours? Yeah, that one…they didn’t get a reading! The capsule was faulty or something. That test was $2,000 out of pocket! $2,000 she doesn’t have and if Dr. Edwards won’t proceed without it she’ll have to have that done again and you know they won’t do it for free.
So, today was difficult. Today had some news we didn’t care for, but it’s over. We made it through. We cried, we laughed and we found a moment to treasure. What more could we ask for?
Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for chipping in and helping us with these medical bills. Thank you for being a part of the moments in our life.